Yoooooo!!! It’s been a minute. Please charge it to my head and not my heart. I’ll be honest….Yes, I haven’t written because of my schedule (currently in New York now, speaking in New Hampshire tomorrow) but to be honest I haven’t written because of fear. How do you follow up on a blog that has over 15,000 readers? I was like, “bruh, there is absolutely nothing I can say at this point that will measure to that”. Thennnnn I realized how silly I sounded. My job is to write, not keep count of who is reading. But in all honesty, thank you for sharing my work. I couldn’t have done it without you sharing and reposting…you guys are dope. Ok, enough of that mushy stuff. *Sigh* Today’s blog is “Confessions of a Side Chick”. Let’s be clear, I am not glorifying this “position” in the least bit. However, I would be lying if I said I hadn’t played the role. In my situation, I didn’t know I was the side chick at first buttttt then even after I found out he was involved with someone I didn’t stop dealing with him. Here’s the story.
I meet this tall, muscular, Morris Chestnut complexion (no worries, I’m bringing it in) man. It was lust at first sight lol. We instantly exchange numbers and begin to talk. You know those talks! The ones that last for hours when you talk about your likes and dislikes, beliefs, family dynamic, favorite food, color, favorite season, blah blah blah. This lasted for a while then I decide to find him on Facebook. We are vibing HARD…I mean, he’s saying all the right stuff, got your girl weak! I go to Facebook, looking at all his pics, checking out his statuses, and then I see something that stops me in my tracks.
In a relationship with ___________________
So, you mean to tell me I know everyone in your family, your favorite show, your biggest fears and you just kinda sorta forgot that you had a girl?? How does that work? So I play it cool. I go Facebook stalk her. She’s cute. I see their pics together and of course I roll my eyes. At this point I’m mad and confused. Then my phone rings, it’s him! I answer and he says, “Hey Beautiful” and I say, “So, when were you going to tell me you had a girlfriend?”. “Uuuuummmmm I…huh? I hhhmmmmm…Jaleesa?” “Yeah, I’m still here…just waiting for an answer”. “Jaleesa, she doesn’t make me feel like you do, I can tell you everything! I can’t be myself when I’m with her. I want to leave but I don’t know how. Please don’t do this to me”. Do you really think I fell for that crap??? Yep! (Remember I was a bit young and naïve). He had me wrapped around his finger. “It’s ok, I was just wondering. I know you’re not happy because blah blah blah” (I’m currently rolling my eyes at myself while typing this).
Side Note: The reason why I was ok with playing the side chick role is because I didn’t know who I was. It is hard to believe that a woman who is secure in who she is can be ok with a man who is with someone else. The issue with the insecure woman is she has no regard for anyone’s feelings. In her mind, she is right and in the right timing she will be the main chick (this is not in all cases). Some are ok with forever being the side chick because it’s less work and she can get what she wants without the hassle of a relationship.
Here I am hating on a girl that I don’t even know…catch this! I’m hating on her because I’m talking to HER man. Twisted…or nah? The young man and I continue to talk constantly and even though I know I’m the side piece and he knows that I know…he never “treats” me like it. Let me explain. He treated me as if she didn’t exist. We talked on the phone all the time, he brought me lunch, we hung out, etc.
Now here’s where it gets tricky, I’m falling head over heels in lust with him lol but I can’t post it on social media (again, I was young). We can’t take pictures, can’t really go out in public, and now that I’m really thinking about it, this was a bit stressful. Let’s add another piece to the puzzle. I meet the girlfriend by accident. Bruhhhhhhhhhhhh. I can’t even tell too much because I will be giving away other people’s business and that’s not cool. But what I will tell you is that at this point she doesn’t know that I’m talking to her man and she DOES have my number….long story.
So, let’s fast-forward a bit. His name was saved in my phone as a girl’s name and my name was saved in his phone as a boy’s name…(this is too much). When I would put up statuses I would say I love my best friend ___________________ and put the name that I called him. He would post things too and I knew it was about me. One day I get a phone call from the girlfriend and she wants to meet. I meet her and she says why are you calling my man. I’m playing dumb “who is your man”. She says his name. “I know you’ve been calling him because I typed the number from his phone into mine and your name came up”. I don’t say anything. She says something that literally makes me laugh out loud. She says “we’re both attractive people (talking about her and our boo lol) and I know you probably have a crush on him but you need to leave him alone because we’re happy”. In that moment, I wanted to say, “boo, that’s not what he’s telling me”. But let’s be forreal..no matter how I felt about their relationship and how everything played out, the truth was, she was with him and I was not. She had the exclusive title that I wanted, she knew his family, they were “happy” on Facebook. I walked away from her and I didn’t say much.
When I left her I called him and cussed him out. He is apologizing and upset *rolls eyes*. I ignore his calls, emails, Facebook messages, etc. at first. When I finally answer, he’s upset and apologizing over and over again blah blah blah.
Side note: I don’t know anyone who aspires to be a side chick. Though there may be some special cases out there. I don’t know people who say, “yes, I can’t wait to sneak around and devalue myself by settling for someone who isn’t mine”.
I don’t even like to share my food let alone my man. I believe what happened to me is I got caught up with someone showing me attention. Even though it was not good attention it was attention (another thing that you fall victim to when you don’t know who you are). So instead of me walking away when I found out he had a girl I had convinced myself that he would leave her because I made him happy. Side chicks build their own hope and timeline. “I know he’s going to leave, I just know he is”. Girl, no he’s not and let’s be real…even if he did would you want to be with a cheater? What kind of secret sauce do you have that you think that he won’t do the same thing to you? Don’t forget that him and ol’ girl were happy once. They had that conversation that lasted for hours where they talked about their likes and dislikes, beliefs, family dynamic, favorite food, favorite color and favorite season.
So, let’s weigh this out, they stay together and you remain the side chick orrrr they break up and you still have to sneak around because you don’t want to look like the rebound chick (another blog, another day). You wait it out to be exclusive and then when y’all have a bad day he goes and gets with someone else. It’s a cycle.
Let me go ahead and let you know that this did not end well. They ended up breaking up, we ended up falling into sexual sin, I get back home and I never hear from him again. Lol I promise I’m going to write this book. I broke up a relationship to be with someone who didn’t honor his relationship, himself, or me.
Real quick, then I’m out:
1) Being a side chick is a choice. You are beautiful, smart, loving and kind. You don’t have to be a second choice. You are someone’s first choice but he can’t find you because you are wasting your time with someone who is already taken.
2) He’s probably not going to leave her. If he did, do you really want to be with a cheater? Remember, karma is a bad girl. She plays no games and you will eventually have to reap what you have sown.
3) Give yourself time to heal before jumping into something else. I didn’t date for 8 years. Before you say, “go girl” or “wow, that’s very strong of you”. I said I didn’t exclusively date for 8 years, I didn’t say I didn’t mess around or fall into sexual sin. Which brings me to my last point…
4) It’s all LUST. This man approached you, knowing he was with someone else. Lust says “I want more, I can’t get enough”. His wife/girlfriend wasn’t enough so he approached you. Don’t settle for being dessert when God has made you a main course. You know something about the main course versus dessert? The main course gives you everything you need and it’s sustaining. The dessert gives you want you want and it fills temporarily. I’ve never heard anyone say they eat cake for dinner every night. However, I have seen them jump up and say, “hhhmmmmm, I just got a taste for something sweet”. I hope you caught that. We can’t live solely off dessert. Be thought out, be intentional, be the one and only, but most of all be whole.
I love you guys so much. Tomorrow I will have a guest blogger who will discuss infidelity from the wife’s point of view. I don’t want to give away too much. Keep reading and sharing. Until next time…Coach Jaleesa